<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>call to action by vatonages</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25945630">call to action</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/vatonages/pseuds/vatonages'>vatonages</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Character Study, Gen, Gen Work, Gen or Pre-Slash, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Male-Female Friendship, Minor Character Death, Season 2, Suicide</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 06:55:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,000</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25945630</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/vatonages/pseuds/vatonages</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Before there was Henry, Spencer was JJ’s baby.</p><p>“It’s not your fault,” Reid says when JJ apologizes, like he knows how deeply she buries that shame inside of herself. He reaches inside, brings it to the forefront, and blows it away like a stray eyelash. Make a wish, JJ. Then it’s gone. It’s not enough to make it okay. It will never be enough.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Spencer Reid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>48</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>call to action</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Before there was Henry, Spencer was JJ’s baby.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Once, when JJ was young, and her hair was the white-blonde of dandelion fluff, she opened the bathroom door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In the bathtub was Roslyn, limbs fanned out like a tattered snow angel. JJ couldn’t comprehend the sight, her sister soaking in the bloody red of the bath water, the smell of soap still in the air, some stray bubbles in the water. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ should have ran, got someone sooner, but her stomach dropped at the sight, and she felt herself freeze, seeing a horror her brain could not even begin to process. Roslyn, who had just made her a grilled cheese earlier. Roslyn, who had suddenly given JJ her prized necklace a few days ago, to JJ’s delight. Roslyn, who said that after her bath, they could play dolls together, even though Roslyn had outgrown all her dolls a long time ago.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ wasn’t enough to keep her safe, couldn’t get to her in time, couldn’t say the right words to get her to drop the weapon. She didn’t know then what she knows now, how to talk someone down, how to get in their head, how to let them know they were understood, that someone cared. She couldn’t know. She was only 11 then, but it didn’t stop her from blaming herself. She should have leapt into action, put pressure on Roslyn’s thin wrists, but she didn’t. She just stood there while all the blood drained out of her sister’s body, memorizing the scene.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ decides that day, as the police come to the house and her parents yell at each other and at her and at the investigators that she can never let that happen again.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It does happen again.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Reid says to split up and JJ doesn’t have time to think, doesn’t have time to say that it’s a bad idea, that they should stick together, before she’s aiming her gun at the dogs and they’re so ferocious and so scary and so </span>
  <em>
    <span>loud</span>
  </em>
  <span> and she saw what they did to that woman and she just </span>
  <em>
    <span>can’t-</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then Emily is calling her name and Reid is gone. Just like that, and JJ is realizing that things change in the blink of an eye, and Reid is so young, so small and young and bright and he’s gone and everywhere JJ looks there’s rabid dogs trying to snap at her heels. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s happening all over again, and once again JJ is frozen. Where had she been while Reid got dragged through the field? Standing still. Standing there, motionless with fear, memorizing each curve on the dead dogs’ bodies. Part of her didn’t believe they were dead, thought they’d spring back to life at any second and get their revenge. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They had so many </span>
  <em>
    <span>teeth.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then Derek looks at her with this barely restrained anger and JJ feels that shame, that burden of being unable to protect someone she loves </span>
  <em>
    <span>again </span>
  </em>
  <span>when they’re relying on her and she wants to punch the walls until her hands are bloody and raw.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s a small consolation to see Reid is alive on the screen, but then there’s the beatings, the muffled whimpers he lets out, like a kicked puppy, and a night of torture can tear apart even the most experienced agents, let alone someone so young with such limited field experience comparatively.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s an unspoken rule to keep Reid out as many takedowns as they can. Why endanger him unnecessarily? If he’s seen through it by now he doesn’t bring it up, doesn’t put a stop to it. Maybe it’s because he’s okay with it, because a part of him is understandably scared.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But there’s no takedown happening where he is, some dark shack with a single bulb lighting up his beaten and exhausted face. It’s just him. No weapons, no backup, just him and his slurred speech and sad eyes. JJ thinks she might throw up.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Spencer gets himself out of that mess. He limps away from Tobias’ dead body and hugs them all, needs someone to touch him that isn’t a bad guy, someone who loves him. JJ holds him close, feeling relieved tears prick her eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s not your fault,” Reid says when JJ apologizes, like he knows how deeply she buries that shame inside of herself. He reaches inside, brings it to the forefront, and blows it away like a stray eyelash. Make a wish, JJ. Then it’s gone. It’s not enough to make it okay. It will never be enough.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>On the ride back, JJ is too ashamed to sit near him. She and Morgan make tense eye contact, and she bites her nails. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ isn’t there when Reid needs her most, distances herself from him, the guilt like a physical barrier between the two of them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He starts getting irritable, taking out his anger on Emily. Emily, who had been a pillar of strength and level headedness when JJ froze, who brought JJ back from sheer terror. JJ doesn’t have much experience being around people who are using, but the dark rings under Reid’s eyes and the way he fidgets and snaps at the slightest inconvenience when he was once so kind and bright eyed and patient could tip anyone off. She watches Morgan watch Reid, watches Gideon look at Reid and then look away. They’re all out of their depth, except for Emily who for some reason just won’t back down.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry for how he’s being right now,” JJ says, trying to apologize on Reid’s behalf. Emily is new, and even though Reid is hurting, she doesn’t deserve this. Emily snorts.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know, I don’t even want an apology. I just want him to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>better. </span>
  </em>
  <span>And if- If I have to be the bad guy to make that happen, then so be it.” JJ isn’t so brave, shrinks away after that, wishing she could be so noble. Emily is just a reminder that JJ isn’t doing what she promised herself she’d do, that she’s failed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ doesn’t really know what happens in New Orleans. She falls in love. Reid misses a plane. There’s jazz music, at some point. Reid and Emily glare at each other on the plane ride back to Quantico and they all get to go home, and from then on the glaring stops. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Reid brings Emily a coffee and she laughs when he nervously rattles off her order from memory, hoping he got it right. The whole thing reads like an apology, an expression of gratitude. His timid body language, his increased pace of speech. Emily takes it against Reid’s warnings that it’s still very hot, sips it. Her lipstick leaves a ring on the lid, and she sets it down.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s perfect,” she says, and Reid smiles. JJ lets herself take a deep, relieved breath, thinks that maybe things are getting better, but she’s still not doing enough. It can’t always fall to someone else to do what she isn’t capable of. She needs to start doing something.</span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Frank murders Sarah.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At the apartment where Mary Breitkopf rests, there’s police everywhere. Reid is next to her, thin, exhausted. He’s vibrating with anxiety because this time it’s personal, and seeing Gideon fly off the handle reminds him that not only is Gideon painfully human, but that none of them are safe from the toll this job takes. He had known that already, learned the hard way after two days in that dark, dark place. But the more childish part of him hoped Gideon was immune somehow despite all the times he had already shown he wasn’t. JJ saw his shrugs when Derek brought up Gideon’s nervous breakdown. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It could happen to anyone,” Reid would say dismissively, innocently defending him. He said it in the voice of someone who didn’t think it could happen to them, who knew that it </span>
  <em>
    <span>could </span>
  </em>
  <span>happen to anyone, but that it wouldn’t happen to </span>
  <em>
    <span>him.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>JJ’s protective instincts take over, because who knows what’s behind that door, and she says to Reid, “Hey, no matter what happens, we don’t split up. Clear?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Crystal clear,” Reid says, in the voice of someone who is deeply guilty. JJ would comfort him, tell him why it was never his fault, but there’s more pressing matters at hand. Life and death,</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wait here,” JJ says. It’s time to step up to the plate. The LEO next to her says “Yes, ma’am”, and JJ clears the room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you safe? Are you hurt?” JJ asks Reid after, even though nobody was in the room except a long dead woman and a little girl crying in the closet. She even checks him for bruising, holds his face in her hands. He smiles slightly, batting her hands away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine, really.” JJ wants to check just one more time, but keeps her hands at her sides. She exhales.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you’re sure,” she says. Reid looks at her with those big eyes of his, and he looks pitying.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“JJ, we need to talk about this.” JJ feels that tightness in her throat, trying not to cry. She feels the muscles in her face tense.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Talk? Talk about what- talk- I don’t even know what there is to talk about.” She says, poorly hiding her nerves. Reid takes his hand, holds it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I need you to look at me, JJ.” And JJ does, because she owes it to him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What happened to me with Tobias Hankel,” Reid says, slowly and clearly so that JJ hears every word. “Is not your fault. It’s my fault.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, it isn’t-” She bites, but Reid holds up a hand for her to stop.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“JJ, who said to split up?” JJ doesn’t want to answer that. It feels like a betrayal.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Who said to split up, JJ? Was it you?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No,” she spits.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, and what did Hotch think we were doing when he sent us there?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Interviewing a witness, but-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shh,” Reid says, not unkindly. “You don’t have to protect me from the truth. I put myself in that situation, and it’s not easy to accept that. I’m...I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>mad</span>
  </em>
  <span> at myself, and I regret it every day, but I have to...I have to learn from it, right? There has to be- be something to </span>
  <em>
    <span>gain </span>
  </em>
  <span>from it. I have to turn it into a lesson at some point, or else it’ll break me apart.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But you were smart,” JJ says through tears, trying not to gnaw through her lip. “You got yourself out. You saved yourself, Reid. What did we do? Get you a blanket to warm you up? No. We didn’t save you at all-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“All I needed at that point was to see you guys. You guys did more than enough. You found me. I couldn’t have limped out of there alone.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Reid, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t be the one crying right now,” she says, and Reid pulls her in for a hug.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, hey,” he soothes. “You went through an ordeal, too. Emily told me about the dogs. I’m so sorry. I put you in danger too when I did that and I’m so sorry, JJ.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, no. You went through so much worse. I got to defend myself-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let’s not compete. All I know is, if I had the chance, I’d go through it all over again so you wouldn’t have to, and I’ll do better now. I’ll...I’ll protect you better.” JJ sobs, wants to say </span>
  <em>
    <span>That’s my job</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but can’t make the words come out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Suddenly, her sadness turns to pure rage, this uncomfortable tightness in her chest, white-hot and constricting, and JJ lifts her head from Reid’s chest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p><span>“No one is ever going to hurt you again,” JJ growls. “I won’t let them.”</span> <span>Reid’s eyes widen at that, but he says nothing.</span></p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’ll have each other’s back,” he says after a moment’s silence. His voice is gentle, calming, but the rage in JJ’s chest doesn’t dissipate. She puts a hand on his shoulder and squeezes, walks away.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>If it wasn't clear, Emily helps Reid get clean, explaining the change in their dynamic. I thought it was interesting that Reid and Emily are still arguing by Jones, but that by early Season 3, Reid and Emily are discussing his father leaving. It seems they got close quite fast, so it's a headcanon of mine! I also wrote this keeping in mind how JJ reacts to things later on in the series. While obviously time changes her, I think that that sort of anger and protective instinct has always been inside her.</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>